i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
Randomize
