I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
