one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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