you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
