Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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