There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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