I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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