Just fell off a train. Bad.
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Randomize
