I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Do they fuck in the end of "Lady and the Tramp" or am i just wasting my time
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Randomize
