I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Randomize
