gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
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