i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Randomize
