Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
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