god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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