Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
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