I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
