my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Randomize
