I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
