I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
