You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize
