I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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