I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
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