Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
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