The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
Randomize
