Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
