it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Randomize
