hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
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