If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
My balls are so social today.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Randomize
