Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
Randomize
