You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
