Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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