I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Randomize
