Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Randomize
