Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
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