I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
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