I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
Randomize
