I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
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