I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
