Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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