if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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