i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
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Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
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Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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