Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
Pride was great cause we really can now appreciate how far we've come as gay people!
Doll, if you're still fucking strangers behind the WeHo Sonic while high on E then we've come as far as 2003...
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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