I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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