Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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