how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Randomize
