I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
