I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
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