Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
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