I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
