So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
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