I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
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