Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
Randomize
