She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
