I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
Randomize
