we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
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