'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
Too much gin, very little bucket
zippers are such a cool invention
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Randomize
