Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Randomize
