pwbgyin
what?
penguin condom
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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